Where does my security lie? / Be angry but do not sin

Where does my security lie?

Today, I realized again that a great deal of the anxiety I bring to work comes from my insecurity.  I know that I'm called to ministry, but sometimes I feel like the tasks are just too much for me. I feel supremely blessed to have my job as a full-time campus minister, but often with all that's asked of me I just don't see how I can be prepared week in/week out to preach and teach.  I know that God will speak to me about all areas of my life as I sit before him in devotions and prayer, but still I feel compelled to skip my time with God and jump to my computer to work.

Then, I realized this tendency probably shows that I don't trust God as I should. In my insecurity, I run to work. This shows that I believe my security ultimately relies in my performance, and my performance is based primarily on my own hard work.

But I want to be a man who finds his security in God. When I feel insecure, instead of running to the computer or putting in more hours I want to run to God in prayer–in open, honest, vulnerable petitions.

"God, help me to run to you in times of insecurity for, 'The Name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.' (Proverbs 18:10)"

Be angry but do not sin

Today, I also sensed the Lord leading me to think about my anger problem. I've notice that when I feel my life or my spaces (typically, the cleanliness of my home) are out of control, I get angry. I don't know why that is, but today I decided to read Ephesians 4:26-27 for help. Here are some thoughts I came to:

1. "Be angry but do not sin" implies that our anger heavily predisposes us to sin. I know this is true for me.

2. "Do not let the sun go down on your anger" implies that our anger, unlike some physical pain, will not go away in time– in fact, it will take over your whole day if you let it.

3. "Do not make room for the devil" sounds so obvious. Who would want to prepare a place for the devil in their life? But then I realized that I do this every day when I knowingly indulge in sin. Typically, I see this happen when I commit sexual sins, but I know that it is just as true for anger.

"Lord, help me to direct my anger and not let my anger direct me."

Starting again

A lot has changed for me in 7 years:

I'm married
I have a 1-year old son
I live in California
I have a Masters Degree in Theology
I work as a Campus Minister
I don't know whether I will pursue a traditional film career or not... (And I'm ok with that– I think)

But the most important thing has remained the same:

I STILL LOVE JESUS CHRIST!

I don't know what will happen with this blog, or if I will even continue it beyond today.  All I know is I need a space to write out what's in my head– a place for me that is easily accessible.

That's why I'm back.